Raising Children

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Raising children is child's play - we kid you not! Well, perhaps it's all in the family - someone else's family.

Parenting children who aren't your own - could you be a step-parent?

Raising children is an acquired skill and, if that isn't hard enough then taking on someone else’s children (perhaps after a messy divorce) can be truly daunting. This is especially so if the children are teenagers whereas young children such as toddlers or babies should be easier to manage since they are less aware of the change of authority. As a result, younger children will more easily adapt to new people than older children.

A child between the ages of six and eleven may take a long time to accept the new parent. To ensure a good relationship, it is wise to treat teenagers like adults and give them their space. However, it is necessary to monitor their behaviour closely and be prepared to rein them in if abuses of authority are beginning to creep in. This will help create a comfortable situation for both the other parent and the children. Something important when raising older children is that most teenagers do not like having their private business interfered with. Instead of muscling into their complicated lives, try to take a back seat and 'be there' to offer advice and guidance to them if they come to you as a way of gaining their trust.

When taking up the new role of raising children from someone else's family, it is not reasonable to expect children to relate to you as a parent immediately. The role of co-parent should not be rushed into and it is sensible to be well-prepared for a rough ride. Most children between the age of six and eleven have the tendency to believe that the biological parent will somehow be back. If you try to take over at such a time, the children may view you as an obstacle and translate this to rejection and thence rebellion. The child may show some signs of resistance but depending on how they are handled, the child should eventually accept the new parent.

Teenagers will not accept 'a new mummy' or 'a new daddy' as they are more aware of the biological processes involved. To suggest otherwise is to blatantly insult their intelligence and so the approach should be more on the lines of, 'No, of course I am not your mother/father, but we can still be friends and I hope you will come to me when you need me.'  Most teenagers will find this difficult to deal with and be uncomfortable with a stranger being around - give them time and they will come around to a different way of thinking. Do not show hostility or make threats as this will only reinforce the perceived missing of the blood parent.

Always talk to your partner to establish the mode and level of disciplining that the children are used to maintain continuity. This will ensure that the children relate well to their new parent and still maintain some of their values and roles. Teenagers are likely to defy orders from a step-parent on principle. However, a new parent should exercise patience and love towards them. One should try to find out what type of gifts the children like before taking up the role. First impressions create a lasting image in the children's minds. Taking them out on the second or third meeting is necessary for the establishment of a healthy relationship.

Children need to know that they matter as much as ever to a blood parent and that the presence of a new parent does not diminish the feelings for them - it is a different type of love. Whatever way the introductions and transition is dealt with, it is essential that all the children are given quality time with both parents together and individually. Children have a tremendous capacity for feeling guilt - even when it is wholly unjustified - and they need to be clear in their minds that a divorce or the ending of the original relationship and the introduction of a new parent was all entirely unrelated to them.

Gradually find out each child's likes and dislikes and see how you can add something to their hobbies or interests without being invasive. This is usually a good way of getting them talking - after all a relationship is a two-way affair and, although they need to be brought around gradually to their new parent, the simple fact is that they are going to have to accept the new member of the family and give him or her their trust.

Raising children is never easy - particular when the children are from someone else's family.

Raising Someone Else's Children